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[JAHID]

Two jokes



Tax control
One snail runs, let’s say so, in a forest and meets one fox. The fox asks her:
- Why are you so in hurry?
- I’m escaping form tax inspector.
- But what a tax inspector can want from you?
- You know, I have a house, my husband has a house and our children have house.

At this point, the fox starts running and after few hundred meters meets monkey. Monkey says:
- It’s seem to me that you are escaping from something.
- Yes, I’m running away from tax inspector.
- Sorry, but what do you have with tax inspector?
- I have fur, my husband has fur, and children too.

And monkey start escaping, too. Somebody asks her:
- Why are you escaping?
- You know that we with naked ass are always the first to be punished.

Women
Afternoon
of one beautiful Saturday. Three women play golf. One of them is not
very practice and her ball fly into the forest. She goes in the forest
to look for the ball and find a frog caught in a trap. The frog says to
her:
- Set me free me and I will fulfill your three wishes!
Women, without hesitant, release the frog and frog says:
- Thank you good woman, but I forgot to mention something. Whatever you desire, your husband will get 10 times better.
-It’s OK for me.
Her first wish is to become the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog replies:
-
Well, I'll do it, but I guess you know that your husband will be 10
times more beautiful, a really Adonis? All women in the world will want
him.
- And I will be the most beautiful, so he will love only me.
And so she becomes the most beautiful woman in the world.
Now she wishes to become the richest woman in the world. The frog says:
- OK, but you must know that your husband will be 10 times richer than you?
- We have all properties in common, and that it isn’t a problem.
She becomes the richest woman in the world. Then she express her third, the last wish:
- I want to get an LIGHT heart attack.

The moral of the story is: women are intelligent. You should never joke with them!

NOTE: If you are female, do not read further, for you this is the end of the joke. Stop here and feel superior!

If you are man: the man had 10 times LIGHTER heart attack!

The second moral of the joke is: women think they are very intelligent. Let them think so and enjoy the spectacle.

PS
If you're female and you are still reading, this is proof that women NEVER listen!








A nice Irish joke


- What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
- One less drunk at the funeral.








Jewish question and Catholic church



Today
in Milan snows and I feel a little sad, not for the snow which I like
very much, but for so many bad things that happen in this world. The
last days happened one thing that I must say my opinion about. So this
blog also becomes a little personal web log and not only transcription
of jokes and fun stories that I’m receiving via e-mail from friends.

So, January 27 is the day of memory of the Shoah, the extermination of
the Jews happened before, during and after the Second World War. Of
this part after the war, speaks little, and not many are aware that in
the Soviet gulag were exterminated millions of Jews, some even argue
that Stalin have killed more Jews then Hitler, but this is not the
issue that I want to talk about.

I state that I’m not Jew and
that I’m not even religious (if I were, I would be Catholic). Two,
three days before the day of memory, Pope Ratzinger (Benedict XVI) has
revoked the excommunication of the Lefebvre’s bishop negationist
Williamson, who was excommunicated for the fact that he denied the
existence of the Holocaust, arguing that the gas chambers were used for
reasons of hygiene and not to exterminate the Jews. After, I heard the
denials, and apologies from the pope, the bishops and other
ecclesiastical responsibilities.

But who has read the
statements, understood everything. Williamson has apologized to the
church to have caused all this turmoil media, but has not withdrawn his
thesis on the Holocaust. And also the fact that the pope has condemned
the denial clearly I am not convinced a fact. Ratzinger is an
intelligent person and precise, as are the Germans in general, and I am
sure that this thing, made a few days before the day of remembrance has
been targeted. Why, I can’t explain it to me, but that it was intended,
I repeat, I am sure. To say that this is an oversight, a coincidence,
that is, any explanation I am not back. Ugly, really ugly, but
unfortunately the church on one side and say certain things on the
other side does just the opposite facts.





Monastery of the silence



Friar John enters in the ‘monastery of the silence’ and the superior tells him:
“Brother
this is a silent monastery. Here you are welcome. You can stay as long
as you want but you can’t speak until I tell you to speak “.
Friar John lived in the monastery a hole year before his superior told him:
“Brother John you have been here for a year. Now you can tell two words”.
Friar John answered: “Hard bed”.
“I’m sorry to hear that – told the Superior- We will give you immediately a better bed”.
The year after Friar John was called once again by his Superior.
“Today you can tell other two words friar John”.
“Cold food” told friar John and the Superior assured him that in the future the food will be better, and hot.”
On his third anniversary in the monastery the Superior called him once again in his office:
“Today you can tell two words”.
“I’m going away” told Friar John.
“It’s better – commented the Superior – since you’ve been here you was the pain in the ass!”.

I
hope you like it. It's the bets joke I heard this year, and I liked to
divide it with you. I received this joke via e-mail in my office, from
my friend and business partner; obviously, he has nothing to do.

[JAHID]

Holloween party



John's
girlfriend was having a holloween party. Since her parents were out of
town for the weekend, this could be a good time to make-out, so john
grabs his batman custom and a condom. John is a bit disappointed that
his grielfriend didn't bother to dress up. Instead she wear a tight red
dress. Feeling horny, john rushes her upstair. before they begun, she
said.
"Did you bring a condom?"
He nods his head. They made the most passionate hot CENSOR ever. John was amazed.
"That was great."
"I know," replied his girlfriend
"Theses people here at your party are really dress-up. Why didn't you dress-up?"
"I did."
"What?"
"I look just like my daughter."
John bit his lips then threw her the unwrapped condom, and then he replied: "I guess we're both fucked."

[JAHID]

Euro 2008



No
more jokes on this blogs any more: I will do a really blog, and I will
tell something about soccer. But, saw that my knowledge about soccer is
very, very bad, maybe my post will be considered a joke, hoping at
least a good one.

As I almost said, I don’t understand very much
about soccer, I’m happy if the team I support winm, but I’m not sad if
my team lost. I have watching some matches of European soccer
championship, and yesterday evening I saw the match Germany vs. Turkey,
where Germany won 3:2. Nice match, very dynamic, exciting, with five
goals. At the end, I reflected about (yes, from time to time, I use my
brain): the turks in the last tree matches played very bad, but they
had a lot of luck because they outride their adversaries in the last
minutes of the playing time, having a really grate fortune. They give
the best performance against Germany, and they lost the duel. As like
in the real life: you never know why some things happen, but at the end
there is some justice, some logic in the mode in which the things
realize.

The Germans are the usually team that don’t gleam too
much, but go ahead in some manner. The only player I like is
Schweinsteiger, and I didn’t understand why Ballack is considered a
great player; I never see him playing good.

One curiosity: do
you know what does Schweinsteiger mean in German? “Schwein” means
“pork”, while “steiger” means “ranker”: very nice second name!
If you don't care about soccer, meybe you are more interested in

[JAHID]

Casino



A
man spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas casinos, and he won $100,000.
He didn't want anyone to know about it, so whan he came back home, he
immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and
planted the money in it. The next morning he walked outside and found
only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the
house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street
lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the
deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the
professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house. He screamed at the
professor:

- "You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my money I'll kill him!"

The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language:
- "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree."

The professor turned to the man with the gun and said:
- "He's not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first."

[JAHID]

The first joke



Little Johnny asks:
- Daddy, how was I born?
-
Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you
see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set
up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We
sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download
from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered
that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late
to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up
appeared and said: You've Got Male!

[JAHID]

More jokes



Three
ducks were sitting at a bar and the bartender came over to the first
duck and says: "What’s your name and what've you been doing?"

The duck says: "my names Heuie and I’ve been jumping in puddles."

Then the bartender goes over to the second duck and asks: "What’s your name and what've you been doing?"

The second duck says: "My names Duie and I’ve been jumping in puddles."

Then the bartender goes over to the last duck and says: "Don’t tell me your name is Louie and you’ve been jumping in puddles."

The duck replies: "No, my names Puddles and I’ve been having a bad day!!!"

[JAHID]

Cat in Heaven



One day a cat loses its ninth life causes and goes to heaven.

There
he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good
life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more
comfortable, please let me know."

The cat thinks for a moment
and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to
sleep on a hard wooden floor."

The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more" and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.

A
few days later six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go
to heaven. Again the Lord them and makes the same offer.

The
mice answer, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run
from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. We are tired of running.
Do you think we could fit us with roller skates so we don't have to run
anymore?"

The Lord says, "No problem" and suddenly each mouse has a beautiful pair of roller skates.

About
a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing
happily on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes him and asks, "How are
things since you are here?"

The cat slowly stretches out his
legs. "It’s wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected.” he
replies, “And those Meals On Wheels you keep sending by are absolutely
brilliant!!!"

[JAHID]

The Most Stupid Man On Earth



There was a flood in a village. One man said to everyone: "I'll stay! God will save me!"

The flood got higher and a boat came and the man in it said: "Come on mate, get in!" "No" replied the man. God will save me!

The
flood got very high now and the man had to stand on the roof of his
house. A helicopter soon came and the man offered him help." No, God
will save me!" he said.

Eventually he died by drowning.

He got by the gates of heaven and he said to God "Why didn't you save me?"

God replied, "For goodness sake! I sent a boat and a helicopter. What more do you want!"

[JAHID]

New Job



A
man in a taxi cab taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a
question. The driver screams bloody murder, loses control of the cab,
and swerves onto the sidewalk before stopping just inches from a
lamppost.

After checking to make sure the passenger is OK, the driver says "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me!"

"Sorry. I didn't realize a simple tap on the shoulder would freak you out so much," the passenger says.

"It's not your fault," replies the cabbie.

"Today is my first day on the job after 25 years of driving a hearse."

[JAHID]

Coroner Report



Three
dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their
faces.The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

Coroner
tells the Inspector: "First body: A Frenchman, 72, died of heart
failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile."

"Second
body: "Irishman, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery, spent it
all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Joe JR, the Redneck from Neon . Kentucky, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his picture taken."

[JAHID]

YO MAMA



YO MAMA SO FAT WHEN SHE STEP ON DA SCALE IT SAYS TO BE CONTINUED

your mamma is so fat when she goes swimming in the ocean she gets harpooned.

yo mammas breath so nasty that when she burps her teeth have to duck

[JAHID]

Cough Syrup



The owner of this drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.

The owner asks the new clerk: "What's with the guy over there by the wall?"

The
new clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get
something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him
an entire bottle of laxative"

The owner, wide-eyed and excited shouts: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!"

The new clerk calmly responds: "Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough."

[JAHID]

Happy New Year!



Two prostitutes, after Christmas holidays:
- What did you ask Santa Claus to give you?
- Hundred dollars, as usual.

[JAHID]

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST



She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

[JAHID]

Who Does What



A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get out coffee.

The
husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should
do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So
she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at
the top of several pages, that it indeed says! .......... "HEBREWS"

[JAHID]

Pregnancy Q & A



Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's CENSOR?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

[JAHID]

Today's Maxim



NO BRAIN - NO PAIN!

[JAHID]

Comfortable



Two
sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving,
the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy
the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The
brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she
wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no
less.

After buying him, she drives to the nearest town to send
her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the
telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister
telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch
the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it
home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well,
after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes
that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After
thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her
the word "comfortable". The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is
she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your
pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if
you send her the word, "comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it slow. - - - - ("com-for-da-bul" )

[JAHID]

Blond



A blond gets a new cell phone from her husband.

The next day she goes to Wal-mart and her phone rings, so she answers it.

It was her husband. He says: "How's the new cell phone?"

She replied: "Great...but how did you know I was at Wal-mart?"

[JAHID]

Susan



The
mother of a 17 year old girl was concerned that her daughter was having
CENSOR. Worried the girl might become pregnant she consulted the family
doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very
willful, and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in
rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on
birth control, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later
that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told
her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl
started to laugh: "Mum, you don't have to worry about! I'm dating
Susan!"

[JAHID]

Jokes about cops



Bob
was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge at about 90mph. Wouldn't
you know a cop jumped out and clocked him with radar. Bob pulled over
like a good citizen; recalling Rodney King and recent illegal alien
incidents.
The cop walked up to the window and said: "You know how fast you were going BOY?!?"

Bob thought for a second and asked: "Uhhh, over 55?"

"93mph son! 93mph in a 55 zone!"

"But if you already knew," replied Bob, "Why did you ask me?"

Ignoring
him, the officer continued, in his normal charming fashion: "That's
speeding and your getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good
look at the Bob and said: "You don't even look like you have a job!
Why,... I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"

Bob recanted: "I've got a job! I have a good, well paying job!"

The
cop leaned in the window, and with the smell of day old donuts on his
breath, said: "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?!?"

"I'm an asshole stretcher!!!" replied Bob.

"What you say, BOY?!?", asked the patrolman.

"I'm an asshole stretcher!"

Of course the cop asked: "What does an asshole stretcher do?"

Bob
explained: "People call me up and say they want to be stretched, so I
go over there and start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more,
and then one whole hand, then two. Then I pull them farther and farther
apart until it's six feet across."

The cop, absorbed with the
images in his mind, let down his guard and asked: "What the hell do you
do with a six foot asshole ?"

Bob nonchalantly commented: "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!"

[JAHID]

A cop on horseback is at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his bike. The cop says to the kid:
- "Nice bike you got there. Santa bring that to you?"
- "Yeah."
- "Tell Santa next year to put a taillight on that bike."
- "Nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
- "Yeah."
- "Well, tell Santa next year to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

[JAHID]

Casino



A
man spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas casinos, and he won $100,000.
He didn't want anyone to know about it, so whan he came back home, he
immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and
planted the money in it. The next morning he walked outside and found
only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the
house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street
lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the
deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the
professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house. He screamed at the
professor:

- "You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my money I'll kill him!"

The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language:
- "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree."

The professor turned to the man with the gun and said:
- "He's not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first."

[JAHID]

Monastery of the silence



Friar John enters in the ‘monastery of the silence’ and the superior tells him:
“Brother
this is a silent monastery. Here you are welcome. You can stay as long
as you want but you can’t speak until I tell you to speak “.
Friar John lived in the monastery a hole year before his superior told him:
“Brother John you have been here for a year. Now you can tell two words”.
Friar John answered: “Hard bed”.
“I’m sorry to hear that – told the Superior- We will give you immediately a better bed”.
The year after Friar John was called once again by his Superior.
“Today you can tell other two words friar John”.
“Cold food” told friar John and the Superior assured him that in the future the food will be better, and hot.”
On his third anniversary in the monastery the Superior called him once again in his office:
“Today you can tell two words”.
“I’m going away” told Friar John.
“It’s better – commented the Superior – since you’ve been here you was the pain in the ass!”.

I
hope you like it. It's the bets joke I heard this year, and I liked to
divide it with you. I received this joke via e-mail in my office, from
my friend and business partner; obviously, he has nothing to do.

[JAHID]

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